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She was afraid of losing me as a friend if we didn't carry our relationship further, and had told me as much when I confessed my feelings of love for her. Ruth had become dependent, almost addicted, to our special brand of friendship with benefits. Did she live in constant fear that I would one day stop being her friend and thus stop providing her with the shelter and convenience of a virtual relationship? Did she ever fully realize that I would have done anything for her, on any level, if only she could love me back in kind? I wondered.I had determined years ago that the problem was really within me. What Ruth had needed most was for me to take the reins and push her out of her comfort zone and into reality. I know that I would have loved her and cherished her during the first difficult real encounter and long afterward. She had been my first true love, and I loved her still for holding that place in my heart. What Ruth had needed was me to be the man I was today, but back then I. When I did, he told me that it was he was thinking about guys, not me. When he finally came in me, he was out of me in a flash, his body in full panic mode. We tried a few more times, but it never got any better."I have to say he tried really hard to 'go straight" for me, but it just didn't work out. He said that I couldn't arouse him sexually, and that he needed other men for sex, but swore that he loved me for who I was and would never leave me. And I loved him, too, even after he told me he wouldn't sleep with me. And we stayed married for twenty-six years. In most ways, he was the ideal husband. He never brought problems home. He helped with the housework. He cheered me up when I was down, never forgot our anniversaries. He was always my best friend, the one constant in my life. He was my rock."I told him that if he wanted to sleep with other men from time to time, then that was all right with me. But I also him that I wasn't going to be resigned to a sexless marriage, and he.
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